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I`d say I`m not a morning person but I`m really not sure I`m an evening person either.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
I look so young for my rage.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
never tell a lie...unless it is true
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!
You`re such a slut, the only reason why you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.