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I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
I need a hug right now also five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.