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Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
I`m so bitchy right now ... I won`t even talk to myself!!
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.