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A Lion would never cheat on his wife.. but a Tiger wood.
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.
I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist