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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
My safe word is letsgetmarried.
It takes balls to be a man.
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
Please respect the revolving door speed that has already been established.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
Social networking sites is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
I try not to work that much. That way I make less mistakes.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets. Hold it, you`re talking about BABIES?
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.