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Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
The secret to success is in my bra.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
I`ve decided to start taking more supplements: calcium pills for my bones, ginkgo pills for my memory, milk thistle for my liver, ginkgo pills for my memory...
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.