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People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
If I`m carrying a torch for you it`s only because I want to set you on fire.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.