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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
Even if your not successful in life , You are guaranteed to get two certificates
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.