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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
i dont like ling distance relationships so i move the fridge to my room
I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.
I play hard to get along with.