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wonders how you can knock sense into someone when you`re beating them senseless?
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
Some people post because they need attention and validation. Not me. (Thanks for reading this, the `Like` button is below)
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
Please ignore this status, I am standing alone and I don`t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.