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Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.