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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
What if the lightbulb had never been invented? How would we know when someone has a really good idea?
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
Multitasking? Iām not even good at unitasking.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
Why did the mushroom go to the party because he was the fungi
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
Looks like you have a lot on your mind. Do you wanna drink about it?
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"