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How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
People think I`m crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
My thoughts should be ashamed of themselves.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with... How did 2 sticks win out!?
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!