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I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.