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Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
The most common crossfit injury is a black eye from talking about it too much.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
A few bad decisions really liven up a boring day.
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.
My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.