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30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he`s adopted.
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
Seven years ago today I swallowed bubblegum ... I`ll keep you all posted.
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.