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I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
I`d like to give a shoutout to all the people who are going through an identity crisis, you know who you are... I think.
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
and alcohol are now friends.
"I can`t believe it`s not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
After a night of heavily drinkin` there`s one thing I can`t stand...and that`s up.
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings