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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
Put your gossiping skills to the test, go write a novel...
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.
Why does the person who snores always fall asleep first?