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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs!
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?
Ask not what your father can do for you, but what you can do for your father. Happy Fathers Day!
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.