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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some Iād love to punch them in the face.
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
As it turns out, Iām not an afternoon person either.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
I never drink unless I am alone or with somebody.