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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.