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Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.