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That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
Rough day! I have now completed the top 6 things off my to-do list ... Time to go get another six pack I guess.
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
FYI, Target does not give prizes, no matter how many bullseyes you hit in the store with a paintball gun
Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.