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If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!
Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
My advise to all the young people out there, "Do not grow up; it`s a trap!!"
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."