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Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
You’re not really living if you don’t have an arch-nemesis.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.