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Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
i know how to shutup.I just don`t know when.
I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center go to hell.
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
My girlfriend JUST spent the ENTIRE day arguing that she isn`t stubborn.. :|
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
Question everything...Or should you?
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.