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Wisdom is understanding that a tomato is a fruit, but you don`t add it in a fruit salad.
Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
Sex, do it for the kids.
Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
Recent survey asked people in the U.S if there are too many immigrants: 17% said yes, 83% said Lo siento, no hablan Inglés
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.