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I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
ok ladies quick question?,say a guy wanted to wear a thong does he tuck shirt in or out? Asking for a friend.
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
I try not to work that much. That way I make less mistakes.
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.