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I may not look good naked, but I`m a beautiful person on the insi.... Hahahaha just kidding I look great naked
The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.