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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
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3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
Velcro, what a rip-off!
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things