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America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
They call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
Keep calm and drink on.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
is deep in thought . . . if only i could remember what i was thinking about
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.