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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
What a terrible day. I`m going to drive through puddles & splash pedestrians to make myself feel better,
Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
Momma left strict instructions to knock you out.
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
If you`re in a hole, stop digging...
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
I`ve decided!! Iām giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent.
Do Hostess employees have Snowball fights?
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.