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Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
I need new swear words.
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
Seven years ago today I swallowed bubblegum ... I`ll keep you all posted.
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...