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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
Hey! Did any of you see my........ Oh ! Never mind... :D How much of you said that before? heee heee hee!
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
Mondays are middle finger approved
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
I dont mind going to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is bullsh*t