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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
My innocent look never works in the nude.
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....