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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
We`ve all been talking about your paranoia.
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
Velcro is a ripoff
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
When I go to the gas station I always get two kinds of drinks so it appears I actually have a friend..I think they`re catching on though.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.