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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
If you don`t like me now, you won`t like me later because I just get worse.
I`m off to get my beauty sleep. Yeah, I know...I`m already so beautiful you can`t stand it! I promise...a little more isn`t lethal...yet! ;) Goodnight!
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
Beer is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
You`re about as deep as a kiddies splash-pool..
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.