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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
If I throw a stick will you leave?
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
So when is this `old enough to know better` suppose to kick in ?
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.
Some people should come with subtitles.
thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!