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I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
This day needs more tomfoolery!
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
Iām sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.