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Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
If everyone would stop screaming, I`m sure we`d all agree I`m not supposed to be in this women`s restroom.
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
"My name is Robert and I support apples." -- Bob for apples
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.