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I`m pretty sure some of you just drag your face across the keyboard and hit send.
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
bitches want what they cant have..or thats what I keep telling myself
How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??
Knock knock... whos there? Cows go... Cows go who, No, cows go moo
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don`t have a moon where I live.
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.