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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
What a lovely winter we`re having this spring.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!!!!