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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
Soup of the day: Beer
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"