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Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.
I`m just standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Please answer quickly!
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?
If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one right?