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I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
List of things I’ve accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
It`s about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing any role in society.
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
You are like that one crazy wheel on a grocery cart.