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My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
I wonder if one day somebody will knock on my door and say to me, “Hey ,we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook; may I come in?"
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
Don`t judge. Maybe I`m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don`t know.
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They`re called Nuns `n` Moses.
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.