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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
No I don`t think you`re stupid, I just think you have real bad luck when it comes to thinking
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
Ya, Wednesday sucks but… it could be Monday!
I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.
Lol at birds that walk places.
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
The wet spot in my bed is tears
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
I wouldn`t say I "missed" your call.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)