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I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don`t like.
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box