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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
I can`t tell them apart, was that Milli or Vanilli doing the sign language at Madela`s funeral?
Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don`t like.
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.
A world without Facebook would be much more productive.
"I can`t wait to have you inside me," I whispered softly to my dinner.