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Have you hugged you bartender today.
"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don`t want to know."
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?