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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I would lose weight, but I hate losing..
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.