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Hair pulling during sex is hot ... unless the whole wig comes off.
Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Match dot com, but for socks.
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
Three weeks without a signal typo!
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”