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I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
I SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild...
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.