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There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
50 Shades of Laze - My weekend plans
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.