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If you keep doing what you´ve always done, you´ll keep getting what you´ve always gotten.
Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It`s the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.
My misery likes tequila, not company.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!