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Just because you think it`s a bad idea doesn`t mean we won`t have a good time.
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.
If “dress for the job you want” were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".