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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
Mythbusters is basically my childhood with a much larger explosives budget.
Lol at birds that walk places.
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.