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At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
I am used but in good condition.
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
Ways to Win my Heart: Buy me Beer Bring me Beer Be Beer.