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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
DRINK BEER SAVE WATER..www.godrunk.com
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well...my phone number for a start
My number was 0...
The problem with some people is that they’re alive.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
If Jesus was the son of Mary and he was the Lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a Little Lamb?