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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
I´m (insert your name) BITCHES!!!! Deal with that.
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
I get my cardio from caffeine...
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
was going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn`t care
Sometimes, I question my sanity ... Sometimes, it replies
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.