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Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Legally,It´s questionable. Morally,It´s disgusting. Personally,I like it.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
I don`t get it, no matter how many times I call `shotgun` the cops always put me in the backseat.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
The color 9 is my favorite letter.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!