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Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
In today`s world, the key to success is to delete your Whatsapp account!
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
Young enough to know I can. Old enough to know I shouldn`t. Stupid enough to do it anyway.