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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there`d be one less blogger.