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Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
Iām mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if Iād like whipped cream on it.
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.
Research is what I`m doing when I don`t know what I`m doing.