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When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
Home is where the pants aren’t.
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.
Whoever named anteaters, solid effort right there.