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Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn`t mean I`m stalking you...It just means you haven`t looked nice in awhile
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.