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I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
I put my head between my legs and lean forward.....thats how I roll
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I`d stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.
When one door closes it`s probably because someone shut it.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake