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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
When you write misspelled backwards it`s misspelled.
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
Beauty is only a light switch away...
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.